How to choose groomsmen?

Back in 2017, when I started planning my wedding, I thought choosing my groomsmen would be straightforward. Just a few good mates, a few beers, and a few laughs. But I quickly learned that behind the suits and speeches are friendships, expectations, and a surprising amount of unspoken politics.

Over the years, I’ve seen grooms tie themselves in knots trying to balance old mates, brothers, and those friends who once shouted you a kebab after a night out. But your groomsmen aren’t just there to fill out photos or plan your bucks party – they’re the people who’ll stand beside you through one of the biggest moments of your life.

Let’s break down how to choose groomsmen who’ll make your day run smoothly (and who’ll still be mates with you after it).

Key Criteria For Selecting Groomsmen

1. Prioritise Close And Meaningful Relationships

When I ask grooms who they’re thinking of choosing, they often start with, “Well, I should ask…” If you start with should, stop right there. Your groomsmen shouldn’t be an obligation – they should be the people who’ve had your back long before you started planning a wedding.

Think of the ones who’ve seen you at your best and worst. The mate who helped you move house in the middle of a Melbourne downpour. The friend who actually answered your 2 a.m. call when you needed to talk. That’s who you want by your side.

Tip: Don’t confuse frequency with closeness. Just because you see a mate every weekend doesn’t mean they know your story. Sometimes, that friend from high school you only catch up with once a year is still the one who’s been solid through every stage of your life.

Quick Checklist – “Is He Groomsman Material?”

If you’re ticking “yes” to most of these, you’ve found a keeper.

2. Consider Family Members

Family and weddings go hand in hand – even if they sometimes come with a bit of family politics. For most Aussie weddings, brothers and close cousins make up the core of the groomsmen crew. It’s a sign of respect and unity, especially when you include your partner’s brother. It’s one of those gestures that says, “Hey mate, we’re family now.”

When I worked with a groom from Brunswick, he had two brothers and a future brother-in-law. He wanted all three as groomsmen, but his fiancée only had two bridesmaids. Their solution? They had one brother take on a different role as the MC. Everyone felt included, and it kept the ceremony balanced without turning it into a maths problem.

And don’t get caught up in gender rules. If your sister’s your best mate, make her a “groomswoman.” I’ve seen bridal parties mix genders beautifully – a sister in a matching suit looked far more natural than leaving her out because of tradition.

Pro tip: If you can’t include someone in the wedding party, give them another meaningful role – usher, reader, or even the person who hands out programs. They’ll still feel involved without overcrowding your side of the aisle.

3. Evaluate Reliability And Temperament

Here’s the thing: a good mate isn’t always a good groomsman. You want people who can turn up on time, follow directions, and handle stress without losing it. The morning of the wedding is not the time to babysit someone nursing a hangover from the bucks night.

I once worked with a groom from Carlton whose best mate forgot the rings — twice. Great bloke, terrible groomsman. In the end, he gave him a different role at the reception and swapped in his cousin, who actually owned a calendar.

When choosing your crew, look for:

• Dependability: Someone who’ll show up early and stay until the last toast.
  
  
• Emotional steadiness: The calm voice when things get chaotic.
  
  
• Team spirit: You don’t want clashing personalities in your photos or at your bucks.
  
  

If you can’t trust them to organise their own suit fitting, think carefully before trusting them with your big day.

4. Be Mindful Of Costs And Commitments

Being a groomsman isn’t just an honour — it’s an expense. Between hiring suits, travel, accommodation, and splitting the bill for the bucks, it adds up fast. Be honest about the financial expectations from the start.

I tell couples to have the “money chat” early. It avoids awkwardness later and lets friends bow out gracefully if they can’t manage it. You can still include them in other ways, like asking them to MC or help set up.

Transparency builds respect. Most mates would rather you be upfront than put them in a tight spot. And remember — you don’t owe anyone a spot just because you were in their wedding. Choose based on connection, not obligation.

Determining The Number Of Groomsmen

One of the first questions most grooms ask me is, “How many groomsmen should I have?” My answer’s always the same — as many as you can handle without chaos.

There’s no rulebook. Some couples have one groomsman; others have ten. It depends on the size of your wedding, your venue, and how many people you actually want standing next to you. For an intimate Yarra Valley wedding with 40 guests, two or three is plenty. If you’re hosting a 200-person event at a grand ballroom, six to eight looks balanced in photos.

And forget symmetry. Modern weddings aren’t about matching numbers — they’re about meaningful connections. If your partner has four bridesmaids and you’ve only got two groomsmen, that’s perfectly fine. Your photographer will find creative ways to balance things out — staggered group shots, mixed pairings, and even having some attendants seated during the ceremony.

The goal isn’t to fill space. It’s to stand beside the people who’ve earned it.

How To Ask Your Groomsmen?

Asking your groomsmen isn’t just a box to tick — it’s a chance to make your mates feel genuinely valued. When I proposed to my groomsmen (figuratively, not literally), I didn’t do some fancy Pinterest-style gift box. I just took each of them out for a beer and said, “Mate, I’d be stoked if you stood with me on the big day.” Simple, honest, and personal.

That’s really all it takes.

Timing The Ask

Start about eight to twelve months before the wedding. That gives your mates time to budget for suits, travel, and any bucks party adventures. If you leave it too late, you’ll end up with stressed-out friends and last-minute drama — and nobody wants that.

Think of it like booking a Yarra Valley venue: the earlier you do it, the better the outcome.

How To Ask

Skip the group text. Ask each person individually — it shows you actually mean it. Meet for coffee, grab a beer at the local, or go for a round of golf. For long-distance mates, a heartfelt video call works just as well.

If words don’t come easily, write them down. A handwritten note saying “Thanks for always having my back” hits harder than any generic gift box.

Groomsmen Gifts (Optional, But Nice)

If you do want to give a token of appreciation, keep it personal and practical. Nobody needs another mass-produced flask gathering dust. Think quality over novelty.

Some tried-and-true ideas:

• Attire accessories: Custom cufflinks, socks, or tie sets that they can actually wear on the day.
  
  
• Experiences: Golf days, whisky tastings, or concert tickets.
  
  
• Useful keepsakes: Leather wallets, engraved pocket knives, or Dopp kits.
  
  
• Covering costs: Paying for their suit hire or haircut often means more than any trinket.

It’s not about the gift — it’s about the gesture. It tells your mates, “You matter to me.”

Choosing your groomsmen isn’t about politics or keeping the peace — it’s about surrounding yourself with the people who’ve been part of your story. Pick the ones who’ll calm your nerves, make you laugh, and hand you a beer when you need it most.

At my own wedding, one of my groomsmen forgot his speech but still nailed it off the cuff. Why? Because he knew me. He wasn’t just there for the formality — he was there because we’d shared years of memories. That’s what you want beside you at the altar.

If you take anything away from this, let it be this: choose heart over habit. Whether it’s your brother, your best mate, or that friend who’s been with you through thick and thin, these are the people who’ll make your day truly unforgettable.

Let’s Get Straight To The Point

Choosing groomsmen is about finding the right mix of loyalty, reliability, and genuine connection.

• Pick people who’ve supported you through life’s highs and lows.
  
  
• Include family where it feels right — and don’t stress about symmetry.
  
  
• Be upfront about time and costs so no one’s caught off guard.
  
  
• Ask personally and early, making it meaningful.
  
  
• Gifts are optional — gratitude is not.

Surround yourself with people who make you feel calm, proud, and celebrated.