What qualities make a good husband?

Wedding Advice

As the excitement of wedding and honeymoon fades away, and you adjust to the wind and grind of real life, you realise that you have a partner to share in your joys and sorrows. Slowly, you become so used to each other that your romance starts dwindling. The vows that are made during the wedding ceremonies are not always followed through by people, but if you are the type of man who wants to be the perfect husband to the woman you cherish, it is not too late to rekindle the spark and make your woman feel that you love her.

What are the qualities of a good husband? Does your ideal life partner need to have a good job, an inexhaustible bank account, or an undying love?

Whether you’re a single lady who is looking for the right husband, a married woman who wants to inspire her husband to be a better one, a single guy who wants to be the best husband to his future wife, or a married man who aspires to be a good husband to his wife this article is for you.

A lot of women write to us begging to understand why their relationships always fail… why guys treat them badly…why they always get hurt why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is these women are choosing men who are not husband–or even relationship– material and hoping by some chance he’ll suddenly transform and be the knight in shining armour she wants.

This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.

Trust me, and I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though he’s acting like a drunk idiot and getting away with it days expired years ago, but there’s a great guy underneath all that, and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.

The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we need. There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might think you need a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company. Still, a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that wouldn’t be good for you, that wouldn’t fulfil your fundamental emotional needs.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.

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He shares important core values with you

Values are those “rules of life” that inherently guide the way you live your life. They’re deeply rooted in personal beliefs that are fundamental to who you are. They’re also very difficult to change.

Connecting on a spiritual, emotional, and value level with a man you wish to marry is a key indicator for long-term marital success. When you and your partner know that you are on the “same page,” you’ll feel more confident that he’s truly the man you want to marry.

When you both think ahead into the marriage and know you can respect each other’s perspective on important marital issues (such as family dynamics, child-rearing, finance, in-laws, roles and responsibilities), you know you’re making the right choice.

Wedding Advice

He’s emotionally mature

A responsible, emotionally intelligent man who can control his impulses shows true maturity. As such, he likely has the capacity to deal with the change, disappointment, stress, and conflict that life (and marriage) invariably bring. 

A well-grounded man with a sense of balance can confront life and face-ups (and especially downs) constructively while remaining a resilient, supportive and engaging partner. 

Look for a man who can respond to a challenging issue responsibly, rather than react to it impulsively.

He appreciates you and accepts your shortcomings

The old saying “Happy wife, happy life!” is true and valid (and, it goes both ways, too — “happy spouse” equals “happy house”).

Appreciation goes a long way when creating a happy relationship. Feeling appreciated is the primary quality of a happy life.

If you don’t feel appreciated or loved by your man, you’re paddling into dangerous waters. But when he openly demonstrates his respect and appreciation for you (with his words and actions), you know, you’ll live a happy life with your man.  

That said, while he appreciates your qualities (good cook, caring, social, engaged, supportive), he should also accept your shortcoming (little messy, not so organised, talking a bit too much, not being on time).

He must deeply recognise and accept that no one is perfect (including him). His overall view of you should be positive.

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He manages conflict well

Arguments, disagreements, and conflict are not only unavoidable parts of any relationship but also are necessary ingredients for forming a strong, lasting intimacy.

Many couples communicate in a destructive way that leads to frustration, anger, and disconnection. Many other couples avoid having meaningful discussions at all to avoid fighting. But, healthy communication is the basis of any successful relationship. 

One of the most important factors that help couples thrive in their ability to deal with different conflicts, manage difficult emotions (such as disappointment, frustration and anger), de-escalate arguments, and disagree with respect.

A man who shares his thoughts and feelings with you without reservation; a man who talks things out with you; a man who discuss difficult subjects with you and can disagree yet still come to some kind of resolution is a man who has healthy communication skills and will make a great husband.

He’s trustworthy

Trust is another key foundation of an intimate relationship. Yet, it’s important to understand that being trustworthy is a proactive role that requires a conscious effort, affirmed continuously by decision and actions.  

When your man does what he says; when your partner does not lie; when your spouse acts assertively and, most importantly, he’s consistent with these positive qualities, then you know that your man is dependable and he will become a husband you can trust.

You feel safe being open and honest with him and are not afraid of him violating that trust or using anything against you. You trust that he won’t leave you unexpectedly, that he is genuine, that he does mean what he says. You don’t feel an underlying sense of suspicion like he has some ulterior motives. You trust that he cares about you deeply and would never intentionally hurt you.

He makes your relationship a priority

A frequent complaint I hear from women in my counselling practice is, “I don’t think he cares about me or the relationship,” or, “He stays at work long hours, or he prefers to spend time with his friends rather than with me.” 

Often, couples find themselves dealing with the daily routine and necessities of life only to find they’re living parallel lives separated by a wide rift. They feel disconnected from each other.

To avoid this, couples must create positive shared experiences in order to face the mundane still, create nice memories and have something to look forward to.

Any man you someday marry should realise that relationships require a commitment and constant effort/investment.

It’s important for a man not to neglect his woman. He can show interest in her life, plan a date night, and create common interests and shared activities. When your man acts in that manner, you know you have the right partner.

If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it, and he wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people have different ideas of what it means to put effort into a relationship. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women because she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

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He loves your good qualities and accepts the bad

Without making you feel guilty for having flaws.

You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will make him feel even closer to you.

He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him

A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him, and he will be in it with you, he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.

Considers you when making decisions, both big and small

A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you, that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable, it’s not always easy taking someone else into account, factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.

He is growth-oriented

No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and white- usually, a person’s greatest strength is a hint to their greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behaviour affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to strengthen his character and work on it. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say your problem, and this is the way he is, and you need to deal with it.

For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you a matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace. Still, it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathise with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.

You want a guy who will accept that his tone can be harsh and hurtful and who tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth-oriented, he will at least try.

Common beliefs and values

This one seems so obvious, yet it’s so often overlooked. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you both are on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that you both are willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling middle ground. This can refer to religion, core values, lifestyle preferences, where you want to live, whether you want to have children.

He views you as his partner

The relationship is something more than just you and him together; you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as someone of great value who he can grow with, not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, be there to satisfy his needs.

He respects everything about you- your thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances, and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.

You’re able to communicate with each other

Even about tough issues and even if one person is upset with the other.

With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.

He wants to marry you

Ahh, it seems so obvious, but yet, it’s not. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you, or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not your husband. When a guy is ready to get married and meet a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say they get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too, maybe he tells her, or maybe it’s just so obvious, and he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career, more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment, she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.

If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is still drawn to the single, bachelor, party boy lifestyle, he is not marriage-minded, and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you do anything. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t… then at least now you know before it’s too late!

Having a good husband isn’t about finding a man to take care of you. It’s about finding a person who’ll respect you enough to let you take care of yourself while making sure you know he’s got your back every step of the way.

A good marriage is all about two partners whose worlds collide in the best way possible. One where you complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses and pick up the pieces when one partner is down. If your husband has most of the qualities above, he’s a keeper you should never stop fighting for.

The going will get tough, fights will crop up, but with this man, it’s worth every sleepless night and every bad day. Because a man of this calibre would put you first even when the whole world is against you. Be the wife your husband deserves to have, and he’ll be the best partner you ever dared to dream about.

It’s all about reciprocity and mutual effort. And with this guy, you’ll never lack in that department.

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